Τετάρτη, Απριλίου 05, 2006

what is it you seek?

Μερικές φορές δεν χρειάζονται δικαιολογίες ˙ πολύ περισσότερο απολογίες. Απλώς, να… είναι το μέσο που μπερδεύει. Κάνει τον άλλο να βλέπει θολά ˙ να μπερδεύει τις προθέσεις με τις εκδηλώσεις (They do not always coincide, you see.) Εάν η ειλικρίνεια σημαίνει κάτι όμως, τότε δεν χρειάζονται εξηγήσεις.

“It is in what you seek
Not in what you find.”

When you don’t know which way the wind of your disposition blows you might revert to old stuff; you know, things you want to forget you ever thought, wrote or dreamt about. Blame it on being swayed by the flying fancy of your mood I guess. It sure has ways of making you contradict yourself, your habits, your safety modes. No, this doesn’t include resorting to old photos to prove how much you haven’t changed. It’s about that mental trip of feeling comfortable with unspoken things, half-knitted impressions. It sort of resembles your having done badly at an exam you studied hard for and eventually end up not caring a bit about it, its background or its consequences. It’s difficult to go back that road and not feel a thing; but the naught is sure worth the trouble when you don’t spare a thought on resolved issues. Maybe it’s true what they say that a person of deep thoughts is also a person of deep feelings and therefore there’s a dynamic interaction between thinking and feeling but I’d swap the deep thoughts for deep feelings again and again. Maybe because they imply intensity without further implications. Possibly because they allude to a swinging sensation, that movement of being carried from a given to an unknown state. Mostly though because when you have your mind disconnected – do not be alarmed, temporarily I mean – you really are unaccountable. “Do not worry”, they say “it’s the state that he is in”, “he’s not talking logically”, “surely you can forgive his condition”. Momentary laps ness, fragmentary words. A mind that is given to wandering, a leash that is missing, the agent absent. Words lose their meaning when you invest too much on them, the world keeps moving you see and you “can’t hang on to something that keeps moving”; there’s something stopping you and you know it.
“l know a lot of times we fell out of line but we fell back in”
Guess what? I walked home without my glasses on. No, it wasn’t the sheer absence of wipers (it was raining you see) that compelled me to act like this. I just didn’t want anything to interfere with my perception of things outside of me; didn’t want to see through a mirror; didn’t want my senses to be distorted. The mind has a great capacity for filtering things you see and I simply avoided giving it further excuses. It’s funny how a minor detail can alter your conceptions. You always believed I thought long and hard before delivering a line. Pre-conceived ideas you would have me believe. Flocks of birds being scared by an indifferent passer by. Your fragmentary sentences sent off to a high nest, safely protected from the oncoming rain. Diluted emotions, forgotten hopes. You only pause to think when something startles you from that journey towards being lost. The sound of a but-end being put out by the water gathered in a ditch. You drive along ignoring all sounds. Your misconceptions leading you to doubt. It’s just the glasses you forgot to put on. “Everybody’s weird” believe me.
What do I do now you ask me; now that I’m feeling weird? Well, I am no expert but sometimes an unwarranted state of mind, sorry of feeling I mean, is the only thing you can do. You cannot be forever in control. You really got to stop watching all those silly movies; your fingers have been clinging to the same remote control too long. The landscape is changing. I can see it. Stop interpreting it in digits. And please stop feeling bad. You know the song I’ve been listening to, the one with the emotionally whiney singer, (I like him anyway) urges you to do the same.
Whatever you do… just… “don’t be sad”
amy